30. 40. 50. 60. 70. (0...)

Early morning.

Cold.

(Really cold.)

White board.

(( Whoa ))

In front of you are big numbers to achieve today.

(Huge numbers.)

You wonder how.

You wonder, wow...

The clock ticks down.

Go time.

Go.

30 of this. 40 of that. 50 of that one. 60 of those. 70 at the end.

You're used to 5.

You're used to 10.

You do.

You go.

You wonder how you'll get to next 15 of the 40.

The 50 feels like 2 at a time.

You hear those numbers screaming in the back of your head.

You stop.

0.

0.

0.

Then it hits you..

0 is a worse number than 70.

0 is worse than 10.

0 is worse than 1.

Get one.

Get one more.

Keep going.

Fail. (Twice)

I learned more in those ten minutes under the bar than I have in the past ten months.

Out of five times, I failed twice. I did not end on a "high note" or on a positive result. I did not get a sixth chance to go home happy. Five times. Five tries. Two failures.

This is  not a post about CrossFit, about working out, about fitness, about Guerrilla Fitness in Montclair, about lifting weights, or about sports. This is about failure. This is about the unique flavor that failure tastes like to each and every single one of us. This is about me tasting it for the first time in a while. Tasting it, smelling it, and feeling all 180-plus pounds of it on my shoulders while driving me straight into the ground below it. This is me, shaken, but not hurt. This is me, hungry to wrap my head around, inside, and through the sensation of why it happened - how it happened - and when I'll face it again. This isn't about me wanting to do it immediately, or tomorrow; no, this is about me wanting to face it again and be ready for it, then. This is about me letting go that other people witnessed me crushed under those weights. This is me not wanting to give one excuse as I might have in the past. This is about embracing the fact that we need to learn to fail more often. This is me, learning. This is me, failing. This is me, and will be me, more often.

Once a month we have a "PR Week" where personal records are attempted, worked toward, and often gained. One pound more? PR. Fifty pounds more? PR. What is lost in the shuffle of my failures is that I reached a PR today. What is important to share is that the sensation of the failures meant more to me as they were lessons for tomorrow, and not reflections of yesterday's results and hard work.

It might be work, it might be an assignment for a client, it might be a special project you're working on, or it might be CrossFit during PR week at Guerrilla Fitness... no matter. The lesson is there. The taste is there. The need to rest, recover, and regroup is there. The day will come when I face those weights again. I will face them. I will work at being able to lift them. I will remember the taste of failure.

I am not a failure.

I will face my failures.

I will stand, again.